Parenting: To Hit or not to Hit

 I was caught by the NY Times' "Room for Debate" topic this week; the title was "Is Extreme Parenting Effective?" with different "professionals" voicing their opinions. The discussion was sparked by an essay published  by the Wall Street Journal by a Yale Law School Professor named Amy Chua. I read the article for myself as well as the entire debate in the Times to discuss it here.

We will begin with Amy Chua's articled titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior." To read the article in its entirety you can click here. I have been advocating what Professor Chua says in her essay for years!!! In the essay she quickly highlights that Chinese mothers are not the only one who show this tough love; it can be found with all mothers, even Western mothers however studies have shown that even the most tough mothers on average is noticeably less strict than Eastern mothers. 

I have a bias on the topic, mainly because I received that "tough love" A LOT growing up. However, this is the first time that I find these arguments made in academia because they have been rejected by the West for sometime now. In her essay Professor Chua creates a clear contrast between Chinese (mainly international) mothers and Western mothers: "Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out." This is why, she believes, that the United States lags behind when it comes to producing math wizzes and science centric students (as well as why there are so many Chinese students proficient in the violin and piano). 

She also says that Western parents are too concerned with their childrens' self esteem so they constantly have to reassure their kids that they are doing great despite mediocre results. She gives a great example: "For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials." 

She continues by saying "If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A."  This example is all to familiar to me since my parents always demanded better grades no matter what I actually received.  As the professor highlights, it isn't that these parents don't care for their children, they would give up the world for them; it's just a different parenting model. 

A personal memory was one day when I came home and my sister ran to my mother in pride telling her about the A she got on the math test, when my mom asked me, I tried hiding it but she eventually found out that I got a C (I was in the 6th grade). After about an hour of shouting, and even a few slaps to the face my mom whipped out my math books and forced me to ignore everything else and study math for hours and hours. We worked till 1 am that night and continued to work for weeks to come. When I got a question wrong I got hit, until I got it correct. Soon afterward, and throughout my high school years, I was extremely proficient at math and am now majoring in Business (ALL MATH!). Her "tough love" taught me good work ethics and because she, as a parent, knew better than me, forced me to learn what I didn't want to. Today, I study and excel alone thanks to the slap to the face. 

I understand my example is extreme and NOT necessarily what Professor Chau was talking about. She was refering more to insulting a child, punishing them extremely but no physical hitting. To many Western parents, my mom's parenting could be considered abuse, but because of it, I would never swear to my mom, never hit her (as some of my friends to do their parents), and never seek to challenge her authority (at least not too much).

I would highly recommend reading the NYTimes discussion on the topic though I do disagree with things that are said. To find that, click here.

What do you think, as a child or parent, beaten or not, should parent show this kind of "tough love?" and to what extent?